Lonely Nights
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: Julia's lonely nights after Spike leaves.


_I plan on this only being a one-shot. This is basically my life nowadays. haha. _

**Note:** In this story, the syndicate doesn't exist, nor Vicious. 

**Lonely Nights **

Julia jolted up, breathing heavily, her sweat-soaked body shaking. She turned dead eyes toward the glowing red numbers of the digital clock on her bedside table--3:00AM. Groaning, she flopped back against the pillow that was drenched in sweat. How many times had she found herself awakened in a cold sweat, her nightmares plaguing her? Ever since Spike had left... 

No, she wouldn't think of that now! Getting to her feet, she stumbled to the kitchen, slightly dizzy. Putting some water in a pot and placing it on the stove, she slid into a seat at the table, waiting for the water to boil so that she could make some tea. Her breath came in gasps as she tried to forget that every night now, ever since Spike had left her, she found herself awakened in the night. Every night now, she had nightmares. Bad dreams, or dreams that were merely memories of her time spent with Spike. Why couldn't she wipe him from her mind? 

She knew that he didn't need her; he had made it perfectly clear that he could go on with his life without even thinking about her ever again. Had their time spent together been only a vacation from life for him? She bit her lip, telling herself not to cry. Laughing at herself on the inside, Julia thought how pathetic she was. Crying over a man who obviously didn't want her anymore. Or...had he ever truly felt for her? Had Spike's feelings for her been faked? 

Julia bit back a sob, her heart tearing at the thought. No... She wouldn't allow herself to believe that Spike had only used her. He wouldn't have; she knew him better than that. Right? 

Getting to her feet as the water came to a boil, she came up with a tea bag from the cabinet and placed it in a tea cup, pouring in some water. Placing the cup on the table, she took a seat and looked blindly at the cup, not even noticing as the water turned brown. 

Sitting there in the darkness, Julia thought over the events of her life recently. After Spike had left, she had wandered through her life in a daze. Her nights were full of sadness; she could barely sleep anymore. The little sleep that she did get, it was plagued with disjointed nightmares, or memories of Spike. Each time, she awoke panting, and dragged herself into the kitchen in hopes that a hot cup of tea would calm her nerves. 

There was a constant ache on her heart now--and it had begun wearing on her soul. Julia wasn't sure how much longer she could on with her life in a shambles this way. She had lost any friends that she had had previously. When the one person she had thought was her friend had lied to her, Julia had realized that perhaps no one had ever really told her the truth. Did everyone hate her? 

After Spike had left, Julia's life had fallen apart. Her soul and heart were dying--withering from the inside out. Julia remembered Christina, who had lied to Julia and said that she had seen Spike at a place not too far from Julia's home. Heart leaping into her throat, Julia had jumped in her Cadillac, racing to the spot, hoping against hope that Spike had changed his mind and had come back to her. Had fallen in love with her again. 

But then, after she had waited there over an hour in the freezing cold rain, Julia had realized that Christina had lied to her. But for what reason? What possible motive could Christina have to hurt Julia so badly? For a few moments, Julia had entertained the notion that perhaps Christina and Spike had been lovers, but then she had laughed at herself. The idea was so ridiculous... Wasn't it? 

"No!" Julia cried aloud, shaking her head fiercely. Even now, the thought of Spike with someone else hurt her to the bone. 

Grabbing the sugar, she poured in an extravagant amount, and then stirred her tea. Taking a sip, she was ashamed to notice that her hands were shaking. Sitting the cup back down, she groaned. How had she become so weak; so pitiful? She laughed at herself. Why did Spike's leaving make such a difference in her life? It wasn't as if she had loved him so deeply that her every thought had centered on him... She paused, sighing. Yes she had. Did... She loved him with all of her heart, and she couldn't bear life without him. 

Had he known that when he had left; had he known that she had loved him so much that she could think of nothing else? 

Julia had tried to comfort herself with her cats; the cats that Spike had taken an amazing fondness for. But two weeks after Spike had left, two of the cats had disappeared. It pained her that they were missing, but Julia comforted herself with the thought that at least one of the cats was still there. She tried not to think of the fate of the other two. Julia had taken to sleeping with the cat in her bed every night; to talking to the cat as if she were talking to Spike. Sometimes Julia felt like she was going insane, but she didn't trust the "head shrinks" that would only take lots of money, for no real cure. 

Picking up the tea cup again, she ignored the trembling of her hands, and sipped the tea. It was a sort of comfort--this late-night ritual of drinking tea, and sometimes accompanying it with a bowl of white rice. It was odd to her. Before, she hadn't really drunk much tea, and had only eaten rice when at a restaurant. But she had gone out and bought a box of tea bags, and a box of instant rice. Somehow, it had become a ritual for her. She hadn't yet figured out the reasons behind it, but she figured they--like everything else in her life--had something to do with Spike. 

Reaching over, Julia switched on the radio, listening to the soft strains of the music piping through the speakers. 

_"Watch where you're standing when you close that door._

'Cause if you're on the wrong side, it won't open anymore. 

Be sure, before you leave me, that it's the only way. 

Take off your coat and think about what I'm about to say. 

I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, completely.

You've got my dreams, 

You've got everything that I need if you leave me alone.

I'll give you my love, For the rest of my life,

But I want to make sure you know: 

You can't take it with you when you go.

I hear what you're saying but I don't believe it's you,

Tellin' me that it's all over after all we've been through.

If you found a new love, then just tell me so

. And I'll make it easy so she'll never know.

I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, completely. 

You've got my dreams,

You've got everything that I need if you leave me alone.

I'll give you my love,

For the rest of my life,

But I want to make sure you know:

You can't take it with you when you go.

You can't take it with you when you go."

Julia laughed bitterly at the lyrics to the song. "How ironic," she murmured. "I wasn't strong enough to take back my heart from him." She sighed, sipping her tea. "I gave him my soul, my heart, and everything else. And what does he do? He leaves, and leaves me confused!" 

She groaned, angry with herself, and turned over to switch off the radio savagely. She didn't need to hear the love song that she had listened to with Spike. She could hardly listen to the radio now without the songs reminding her of him. Everything reminded her of him... 

"Was it my fault?" she murmured to the cat who had walked in silently to sit at her feet. "Did I drive him away, with my 'childish' ways, or all the things that he didn't like about me? Did I make him leave because I was angry one night--a night that I had been emotional all day?" She grimaced. "Or did he leave because he was done lying, and had had his fill of his 'vacation' while lying to some annoying kid?" 

She sighed, getting up to make some rice, and to hopefully drive away her thoughts. As it cooked, she remembered times that Spike would tease her about not cooking a lot. Had it been a loving sort of teasing, or did he really hate her for that? "Arrgh!" she cried, angry at herself. "I'm going insane!" she screamed. 

Sinking into a crouch, she pulled her knees up and cried. Her life was crumbling around her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She had loved him so completely, and in the end, he hadn't loved her the way she wanted him to. So how could she be expected to go on when he still held her heart and soul? 

**Notes:**The song was "You Can't Take It With You When You Go," by Rhonda Vincent. Please review. 


End file.
